Lazy Vacation Days....Awesome!

I dedicate the awesomeness of the Thanksgiving vacation to my loving husband.

A couple of days before school let out I asked Ryan for "one day". I just needed one day of child free noise were I could be in my own home and do whatever I wanted without my kids constantly at me for something. I realize that sounds totally whiny, but any mother will tell you after 12 weeks of carpool, homework and activities -  mama needs a vacation too. It wouldn't be so bad if my family situation was ideal or even normal, but with Ryan being in grad school he can't clock out at 5:00 and be done for the day. He often works far into the night and requires me to keep the kids out of the office and out of his way. Now don't get me wrong, Ryan is a very involved father. - at least as involved as his work will allow him to be. He eats dinner with us every night and we all talk about our days. He sometimes helps with bedtime and then we have scripture reading and family prayers. He makes sure to spend one-on-one time with the kids and is very free with his hugs and kisses. The kids know that if they need some Daddy time that they can go and see him in the office anytime they want. He will always stop whatever he is working on in order to help them with anything. He's pretty good like that.

It's inevitable that I would feel the stress of his deadlines and feel that I need to do whatever I can to handle everything on the home front by myself. I do my best to do just that. It gets to be a lot over time and I occasionally need a break. I asked for my one day.  I didn't get it. I got something far better instead - a glimpse into my future - a future where Ryan no longer has school work and is fully at home when he is at home. I got to see how nice it will be to have a two-parent home.

I had a lot of cooking to do on Wednesday and Ryan took care of the kids the whole time.  We went to the gym and he did a spinning class with me (so fun). On Thursday he, again, took care of the kids while I cooked. We had Thanksgiving at our friends the Thomases and there was no need to hurry home so he could work. Friday was spent blissfully in bed watching TV and being lazy all day. It was great just spending time together like there was no other care in the world (I didn't get out of my pj's the whole day). Saturday we went to the gym together again and spent the afternoon watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. That evening Ryan went to a football game and our Sunday was business as usual.

Friday morning Ryan did ask me if I wanted my day off, but I was good. I was enjoying being a stress free family so much I no longer needed to have a day alone to recover. I long for the day when this can be my life all the time, or at least more often.

Just in case you didn't pick up on it, I REALLY love my husband. I'm a lucky gal.

Nasty Woman

I commented on my sister-in-law's blog post the other day about how I have a mean nasty woman living in my head. The comment went like this:

I have one of those nasty women in my head as well. She has been having the same conversation with me. Mine goes something like this: Sarah you are so selfish spending 6 hours a week at the gym. Putting your daughter in a daycare, neglecting your house, and getting behind on Christmas projects are only a few of the balls you are dropping. And for what? Your not getting skinnier in fact you have gained weight! You truly are pathetic.

I don't like that woman. I am working on getting her to shut up.

After leaving this comment I had a good conversation with myself and I have figured some things out. For starters the weight gain has reversed and is heading in the right direction, down. It took several weeks of really working out hard before I saw any smaller numbers on the scale. In fact, I had my break through this morning. I have been gauging my progress based on the scale and how my jeans fit, thanks to some admiring compliments from my husband I realize that things are changing. I just need to give it more time.

I have noticed some changes in other parts of my life as well. I am far more productive. I don't know if it's because I have more energy or that I have to be organized, probably both. I feel great. I am tired at the end of day but I am not physically exhausted. When my alarm goes off I am ready to wakeup and not pushing "sleep" one more time.

I realized that if I wanted to devote 6 (or more) hours a week to working out then I needed to be really organized in order to get everything done. I am working from the time I get up until I put the kids to bed (sometimes later). In months past I would have spent time on the couch watching TV or reading a book. Instead I am cleaning my kitchen and teaching my son. My house is cleaner now then it has been in the past. I still feel guilty for not doing more, but what mother doesn't.

It has taken several weeks for me to find my groove, too feel like it is worth it. I know now that it is. I am excited to see what other positive changes happen now that I am putting my self first. :)

Honor Roll, Soccer, and Poop

My kids have all had some big things happen lately and since I can't seem to find the time to blog as much as I would like I will tell all three stories in one post. Plus, they are not very long stories.

McKenna had her second-six-week award ceremony. (It seems a bit over kill to have an awards ceremony every six weeks but what do I know.) I didn't make it to the first one so she asked that I come to this one, so I did. Thankfully they are only 30 minutes long. McKenna got a certificate for being on the straight A honor roll and another for being a "Remarkable Ram" (school mascot). She earned her Remarkable Ram for being so well behaved in the halls and lunch. She got to go to a party in the principal's office last week. After receiving her award the Principal asked her to tell everyone what she did at the party. She gladly announced, "I watched Wally and ate popcorn the whole time". I was very cute.

Evan has now wrapped up the soccer season. All-in-all it was a good experience for everyone. It was our first time doing any kind of sport and I think soccer was the right choice. The season started out shaky. He cried during the first two practices because he never got to kick the ball. He wasn't used the crowd of kids getting in his way. He informed me that it wasn't fair that they didn't take turns. That was our first lesson in real world sports. It wasn't to much later that he kind of gave up. He always ran with everyone else but he no longer tried to get to the ball. I knew my son was a follower and not a leader. It was very obvious while he played soccer. I would like him to try t-ball in the spring but I am not sure that Evan will have the focus for that, or the coordination. Guess we'll see.

Alana had a taste of potty training this week. She has been telling me for a while now when she needs her diaper changed. Since she is only 20 months old potty training had not crossed my mind - until she found the training potty. It's been under the kid's bathroom sink and when Alana discovered it we pulled it out. On a whim yesterday I hurried and put her on it when she gave me the "sign" that she was about poo. She didn't resist but didn't seem to know what she was supposed to do. After a couple of minutes we heard the clunk of pebbles hitting hard plastic. She franticly looked around to figure out what the noise was. I helped her up and showed her what she had done. She was TERR-I-FIED. She refused to sit back down again and wanted nothing to do with flushing it. I cheered and clapped and told her what a good girl she was, but nothing put a smile on her face. Turns out it scared the rest of the poo right back up, it was an hour before we was able to finish her business. I fear this may have put off potty training for some time.

The Blog That Has Changed Me

I was directed to a blog by another woman in my church. It is a painful one to read but the spirit that I feel when reading it is so worth it.

This blog follows a typical young LDS family. The mother is 22 the father is 24. They have been married for three years. This summer they lost their baby girl when she fell into a canal and drowned. She was revived and battled for seven days before passing away. The story that has emerged from this heartbreaking tragedy is proof of Gods love and compassion for his children.

I am not very good with words. So it is difficult for me to truly express the way I feel. But I can tell you that when I read the words written by this amazing woman I feel Gods love. I not only feel how much he loves the grieving family, but I feel how much he loves me. This blog has inspired me to get myself together and focus on my testimony and my relationship with my Savior. I know that only through Him can I have complete happiness.

To read the story of the Sullenger family start here. Once you have read the overview please continue on to here. Over on the right side there is a list of posts that tell Preslee's story. Once you have read those I recommend that you read all the posts in order from her death until current. Have a box of tissues and be prepared to feel the spirit of  God. You will not regret taking the time to read this amazing story with a cast of amazing people.

I would love to here what you thought and felt. Please leave a comment if you read it.

To Work or Not to Work Part 3

I thought I would be done after my last post, but I find that I can't get the topic out of my brain. It seems that I have more to say, then I promise to shut-up. :)


First off I don't think I expressed my gratitude for working mothers. I realize that not all women want to stay at home. 


I fully understand the attraction of having a career. I graduated from college and worked full time as a Project Assistant for a research project. I did that job for two years before McKenna was born. I was really good at it and I enjoyed the work very much. I struggled with the choice of whether to stay home with her or to work again. That is, I struggled until she was born and then the choice was easily made. I couldn't bring myself to leave her. Not even for good money that we really needed. Maybe it was selfish on my part to stay home. But I feel that I made the right choice, then and now.


I know there are plenty of women who find themselves in a position of needing to work. Whether they are widowed, single, divorced, or simply need to work in order to maintain a good lifestyle, they are working. I am sure that there are times when they are made to feel guilty for not staying home and choosing instead to have a career. In our society there is no right choice. There is only personal preference. Unfortunately, there are those that think they have the only right answer and that makes them superior. I don't believe there is one right answer.


I have one dear friend who found herself widowed at 29 with 3 very young children. She was a stay-at-home mother forced into a position of having to work full time. She is currently back at school.


I have another friend who adopted her daughter while in the middle of a PhD program. She was put into the position of needing to choose whether to quit the program and stay home or to continue and get her doctorate. She chose to finish school. I think she made the right choice. 


I have a sister who has worked full time through two pregnancies and her husband is a stay-at-home dad. This is not what either of them want, but it is what the situation demands at this point.


There are also many women who do stay at home but also need to make some extra money.


I have another sister who's husband makes a good living, but she needs to work for herself. She babysits and runs her "toy" business. She finds gratification in making her own money and contributing to the household.


Every mother has different circumstances and only she can know what is right for her and her children. Thank you to those who have commented on my recent posts. I found them very encouraging and sweet. My friends and family mean a lot to me.


For those who are interested I read an article that lists the 100 Best Companies for working mothers.

 Ok, I'm done now.

To Work or Not to Work Part 2

I recently attended a bachelorette party.

My sister Rose is a sales-woman - has been her whole life. Currently she is selling "adult toys" (yes, we have some. Yes, I will recommend some if you want me too.... privately). I had arranged for my good friend (from Ryan's department) to host a party for my sister when she visited me. It happened to perfectly line up with a bachelorette party she was throwing for one of the girls in the psych department.

The party was good fun and everyone, except Rose and me, were pretty drunk by the end of the night.  When Rose and I were cleaning up and everyone but the two hostesses and the bachelorette herself were left, the question was posed, "Who is older, you or Rose?".  I asked her to guess. She looked us both over and then said, "Rose". This made us giggle and I teased Rose. Then I asked the bachelorette what made her choose Rose. This was roughly her reply, "Well she (Rose) has a business and she's all outgoing and you....you're just Ryan's wife, and Ryan's wife, and Ryan's wife" (mindlessly repeating). She went on to say more embarrassing drunk things before her friend cut her off. But by that time the damage had been done. Whether she was drunk or not it was kind of hard not to be a little hurt. 

When we first came to Lubbock to interview for the program there was a mingling party. We have gone to this party every year since and to several others. It's extremely intimidating to be in a room full of women who either have a PhD or are on their way to getting one. These are the kind of women who have careers. They are not stay-at-home mothers, and the majority of them look down upon women like me who choose to be one. I have, on several occasions, been made to feel like I am less because I do not work. I have toughened up over the last three years and comments that would have bothered me before are quickly forgotten.

So why do I choose not to work.

The simple answer is, I don't have to. My husband has never wanted me to have to work. We have made many sacrifices so that I could stay at home and raise our babies. If I really, really wanted to I could have gotten a job at any point and Ryan would have supported me. But at this point in my children's lives I WANT to stay home.

Unfortunately, sometimes the needs of the wallet outweigh the needs of the heart. I have struggled, at times, with whether or not I should be at home and not working. I have even gone as far as starting an online medical transcription program. It was a great program and I really loved the work. It felt great to be learning something new. I had something that was just mine and I was really good at it. But everyone else in my house needed me - all the time. I couldn't find the time to work. Evan was watching too many cartoons, the house was a mess, I was pregnant with Alana and sick, and no one would leave me alone so I could work. It was incredibly frustrating. I knew that it would only be worse once the baby came, so I quit. It was embarrassing and I felt like a failure, but I knew I was doing the right thing for my family. I needed to be there 100% to support my husband while he went to school. I needed to spend my days without getting stressed about school work and then taking it out on my kids. I needed to be a wife and mother.

I have dabbled in other money-making ventures. I spent a summer watching my friend's baby. She paid me handsomely and it was a good experience. It made me grateful that I never had twins. Her baby is the same age as Alana and they were 4 months old. I realized that I never would have succeeded at having a daycare in my home.

I have donated plasma for money and sold many hair bows. I considered starting a hair bow business and selling online. That would have required more time and money than I was willing to give up.

I am educated. I am capable. I am a hard worker. I learn fast and I am great with people. I make a fantastic sugar cookie. I am a mother. I am very, very proud to be "Ryan's wife".  Currently, I manage a household and while the job doesn't pay much the benefits far outweigh any amount of money I could make elsewhere.

Someday when all my babies are grown I will change my profession, perhaps....fitness instructor?

To Work or Not to Work Part 1

My sister-in-law wrote a post on her blog that really got my mind running. She wrote about the dilemma of wanting to stay at home with the children but also feeling the need to work. I feel personally connected to this topic, as I think every mother out there has.

My personal struggle with this topic is seven-years-old (as old as my eldest child), but I know that I was affected by it as a child as well. My mother had to go through this (again, every mother does). She worked on and off while I was really small. I hated it. I can still vividly recall the way I felt when she dropped me off at the babysitter's house. I cried and felt abandoned. I also vividly remember how excited and relieved I was when my mother came to pick me up. I am sure I didn't make it easy for her.  That's probably why she didn't work for long.

Once we moved into a bigger house my mother started a daycare in our home. I liked this very much. I loved that she was there when I got home from school.

After a few years she went back to school. I remember thinking that she was amazing and so smart. She devoted a lot of time to her school work and she got straight A's. After her first year of college my father was laid off. He moved to another city (four hours away) and went to school himself. She was left alone with four kids, no income, and one more year of school to finish. To this day I don't know how she did it. If I think about it for too long I feel anger toward my father. I wonder if he really understood the position he was putting my mom in. It's all in the past now and everything ended up really good. But I think that if my mother had not been the strong, independent, resourceful woman she is, then our family could have ended up with a very different outcome.

She went to work full-time once she graduated (I was so proud of her). She was still a single mother for a few years. My father worked temporary/traveling jobs until he could find something permanent. During all this time I never felt sorry for myself because my mother worked. I was partially aware of how hard things were. My parents did the best they could to keep us kids in the dark, so we could go on living our self-absorbed teenage lives. I was working two jobs myself at this time so I could buy gas/car insurance and clothes. I knew not to go to Mom for money.

My junior year of high school my father finally put his foot down and accepted the 3rd permanent job he was offered (My sisters and I put up such a fight about moving the first two times that he gave in to us.) We moved to Morenci, AZ in the middle of the school year. My mother did not come with us. That was the first time I really felt that she put her job before her kids. So there we were, living in a small 3-bedroom house (major downsize) with our father, who we had not lived with on a permanent basis for years, and Mom stayed behind to work. I think she partially did this to get back at my father and make him be the single parent for a while. That's not what happened. As the oldest (17), I was expected to take care of the house and younger sisters (15,13,9). I cooked, cleaned, babysat, grocery shopped, got everyone off to school and home again, I even paid the bills. If anyone got a life lesson it was me. My grandmother came to the rescue and lived with us for a while and I got to be a teenager again.

After six months we moved to Craig, Colorado. My mother was given the opportunity to manage her own store and she wasn't going to turn it down. So for the second time I felt that she was putting her job before her kids. My father soon found a good job there as well. We moved, and the six of us lived in a two-bedroom apartment until we bought a huge five-bedroom house six months later. My parents still live in Craig and have the same jobs. They are very happy.

There were times when I was bitter about the choices my mother made - and as a child I was unable to see the big picture. I only cared about how it was affecting me. As I look back on that year of two moves and huge responsibility, I can honestly say it was the best thing that ever happened to my family. The choices my parents made may have been a bit selfish at the time (or so I saw it), but those choices brought our family together in a way that never would have happened if they weren't focused on work. My sisters and I became friends. This especially holds true for Rose and me.  In the past we were nasty to each other - I mean REALLY nasty. Moving to a new town, twice, forced us to rely on each other.  She is now my best girlfriend in the world. I have my parents to thank for that.

My mother has accomplished a lot. She is a huge success at her job and has earned many awards.  She has also turned down promotions in order to stay in Craig. I love her dearly, and I see her as a good example of a mother who needed to find the balance between doing all she could for her kids and also needing to fulfill her own personal goals.

My next post will be about my personal struggle with this issue.