I was at church alone with my three kids (husband is in the middle of NIGHTMARE semester) for the fourth week in a row this last Sunday. I was feeling stressed and a bit overwhelmed. My kids were not behaving badly, but I was already on edge so every tiny thing they did was magnified in my mind. As I sat there trying really hard to control Alana and my temper, people started to bear their testimony's. One man got up and simply said that he "didn't think he was doing enough" to be a good example of our church. I didn't hear the rest of his testimony because as soon as he said that I thought, "I KNOW I am not doing enough!". At that point I started to list all my faults.
*Not reading my scriptures enough
*Not praying enough
*Not teaching my kids enough
*Not attending the temple enough
*and on and on
You get the idea. It's been a rough few months.
As soon as I got done listing some of my faults I thought, "I go to church every Sunday and I do my best to fulfill my calling (primary teacher). That is just going to have to be enough right now." At that exact moment I felt the Spirit ignite in my heart like I have rarely felt before. The impression that I got is that I have been too hard on myself. I need to be focusing on the things that I am doing right and not on the things I need to improve on. There will be a time in my life when I can diligently read my scriptures every single day. When I can get to the temple once a month and feel the sacred spirit that is there. There will be time to focus on just me and my relationship with my Savior. For me, that time is not now.
Please don't misunderstand. I have a strong testimony of my Savior and the sacrifice that he made for me. I have a desire to learn and grow, to experience everything that I can in the gospel. But I feel overwhelmed with life at the moment. My kids are at ages where we are a bit crazy. McKenna and Evan are at different schools, attending at different times, in different parts of the city. I easily spend two and a half hours in the car just taking kids to and from school everyday. Between school, dance, soccer, gym, shopping, cleaning, cooking and some kid playtime, I feel totally booked up. I can't wait for next school year when Evan and McKenna are in the same school and I only have to drop off and pick up once. I have daydreams of what I will do with all that extra time. Someday.....
I am a good mother. I love my kids dearly and I do my best for them. I am making small changes to better myself and to be a stronger example to them. I am not perfect and I never will be, but I will continue to want to be better.
I know my Heavenly Father loves me. He knows who I am and what I need. He understands the feelings in my heart and He knew what I needed to hear.
It's time to focus on the things I am doing right.
You are AWESOME! It's so easy for even the most accomplished, high-functioning mother to get caught up in what she can't do - because she's human.
ReplyDeleteThere are seasons in life, and you're doing exactly what you should be doing right now. The things we learn as mothers of young children - patience, persistence, and not least, unconditional love, help shape us and grow.
A time will come when I can be a scriptorian and give more service, but for now, I'm raising my kids, and that's enough.