Helping A Friend

The last two months have been a whirlwind of emotion. Upon returning from New Mexico I promptly took a shower and headed to the hospital. I did my best to hold it together when I saw Brooke lying in the hospital bed next to her son, Gavin, but it was inevitable that some tears where shed. I stayed with her until late that Sunday night.

Monday - Gavin is intubated because the tumor was wrapping itself around his esophagus and pushing in on his trachea. It's making it hard for him to breath. (This is what brought him into the ER Saturday night.) He's given an MRI so the surgeon can have a better idea of what she will see when she gets in there. They notice that three nodes in his neck above the tumor are larger than normal. The plan is to remove them also.

Tuesday - They take him at 7:30am. As you can imagine it was not an easy goodbye. They allowed Brooke and Garth to wait in his room in the PICU rather than the official surgery waiting room. Her mother and I joined them as we waited for updates.  It was a long few hours but the updates helped. In the end he came out of surgery without any complications. Good news - They were able to remove 99% of the tumor. Bad news - they had to take 27 nodes and the tumor was a lot bigger than the MRI showed. More bad news - based on the color of the tumor there is no doubt that it's a neuroblastoma, a rare form of pediatric cancer.

Post operation - Gavin spent the next eight days recovering from surgery. All this time was spent in the PICU, which was fine with Garth and Brooke. They are both pharmacists and Garth works in the pediatric pharmacy at this hospital. I think it helps a little when you personally know all the nurses that are caring for your child. There is nothing, however, that can make it easier to see your baby hooked up to machines that are breathing for him, seeing blood and fluids drain out of his chest tube and knowing a kiss from mommy is not going to make the ouch away. Gavin did have an amazing priesthood blessing after surgery. This left everyone in the room feeling very positive about the overall outcome of this trial.

After all the biopsys came back the cancer was officially labeled as a stage 2B neuroblastoma. Gavin will have from two to eight rounds of chemo and will not need radiation. As of today he is on his second round.

Gavin has been incredible throughout this whole ordeal. He is too young to understand what is happening to him and because of that he just wants his mommy. She is the only one he wants, which can get difficult at times. He is handling the chemo really well and has not gotten terribly sick because of it. He is, however, starting to lose his hair and that is hard to watch happen.

Life is going on. We all went camping the weekend before chemo started and tried to forget the troubles of life for a while. It worked and we had an amazing time. The kids went back to school. Garth and Brooke both went back to work (Brooke only works every other weekend). The chemo countdown began.

As always we keep Gavin in our daily prayers and take every moment for the blessing that it is.

Camping and Cancer

Have you ever had one of those moments when you just look around at your family and know that your falling even more in love with them? I had one of those days on our camp trip.

Ryan and I were itching to get out of town and into some mountains. We were still recovering from the fact that we didn't get to go to Colorado for the family get together so we figured we would go to the closest place we could. Living in West Texas, the closest mountains and trees are a four and a half hour drive into New Mexico.

We left town on a Friday and headed for Lincoln National Forrest. The whole forrest had been closed for the last three weeks due to the extreme fire danger. Even though they had reopened there was still a ban on all campfires and pretty much anything to do with and open flame. We had a 40-50% chance of rain for the whole weekend but we really didn't care. It could have been the storm of the century and we would have gone just to smell/feel the cool pine breeze.

Once we pulled in to the camp and started to unload and step up, the first thing Evan did was pick up a stick and start hitting a tree. McKenna went exploring and Alana started running laps around the picnic table. Ryan and I looked at each other with huge grins and commented that it was so fun to see our kids out being wild in nature. Living in an apartment with no backyard they rarely get the chance to run free. It's in their blood to thrive in the wilderness. They really did not disappoint.

Saturday morning we got up to a beautiful over cast, but still warm, morning. We took our time eating breakfast and packing a lunch. Once ready, we took off on the nearest trail and headed out for an adventure. Everyone was enjoying the hike and all the things to look at. The kids were keeping a strong pace and having a lot of fun. We came to a crossroads and gave the kids the choice of either hiking up to the top of the mountain or staying in the valley, being naive and excited they wanted to go to the top. Not five minutes later Evan was complaining. It was pretty constant from that moment on but Ryan was not going to turn back and instead, turned the situation in to a chance to toughen Evan up (he's kind of a wimp).

We made it pretty far before stopping for lunch. While we were eating the clouds started rolling in pretty dark and the thunder was getting closer. We decided that once we were done eating that we would head back down before the rain started. We didn't make it to far before the rain started. We hurriedly put on the ponchos I packed and continued on. It wasn't long before the rain stopped but we didn't want to turn around and go up again. There was no complaining on the downward trip. :)

Once back at camp the kids ran around like wild animals and had a blast playing together. Ryan and I played some dominoes and read our books. It was a perfect day.




That night I got a text at 4:58am. I heard it beep but I didn't really wake up enough to check it. A couple of minutes later I heard another text beep. It was from my bestie Brooke. #1) "Are you guys still camping?" #2)"Gavin is in ICU, he's got a mass in his lung, we are hoping it's an infection and not a tumor". Gavin is Brooke's 17 month old son.

 I didn't really sleep after that. We got up and had breakfast. I texted her and asked if there was "any news this morning". Her reply, "It's cancer, we see the pediatric oncologist Tuesday, we will be here for a long time, surgery this week sometime, find out if it's malignant or metastasized and do chemo and radiation".

We broke down camp and broke down in tears. We could no longer focus on going hiking or having a picnic in the woods. All I knew was that I had to get back and get to Brooke's side.

Lack of Enthusiasm III

I have been home to see my family every summer for the past seven years. We have made it for a Christmas here and there, but a Summer trip home was always a given. This year that changed. Once we started our cash only life, I knew there wouldn't be any money for the trip. I now live with the rule that if I can't pay cash for it, then I don't do it. I had not been saving for the summer trip. There was never money left over to do any saving. So, when May hit I had to deal with the fact that I would not be going home this year.

This was not an easy thing to deal with. My family and I are very close. I have three younger sisters and we all talk often and are very much involved in each others' lives. Our children are also best of friends, and I knew that not going home would hurt a lot of people. But I had to be the grown up and say no.

The hardest thing to say no to was the annual camping trip. I talked about last year's trip in this post. It was hard camping last summer, but as my kids get older they will be easier to deal with (that's my theory any way). So this camping trip was going to be better.  Plus, we had a whole bunch of family from Arizona planning on coming - family that I had not seen in many years. So I got depressed. I cried when I called my parents to tell them. Of course, they said they understood. But, I knew they would be bummed about not having one of their kids there this year.

May came to an end and I was bracing myself for school to let out. I was exhausted from all the running around. I was tired of half-day preschool, dance, and soccer practice. I was tired of always parenting alone. Ryan had the busiest semester to date this Spring, and it was felt by both of us. I missed my husband, I missed my freedom, and I missed my happiness.

Once school let out, I climbed into bed and stayed there for about two weeks. I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not. I laid there and watched TV (two seasons of Grey's Anatomy) I didn't want to do anything else. I did maintain the house and went grocery shopping. But, we didn't do anything extra at all. The kids played and watched TV. They're old enough to pretty much take care of themselves.  So I wasn't worried. McKenna made it almost too easy for me to be completely worthless. Every morning when she gets up, the first thing she does is shut my door so Alana won't wake me up (I didn't even have to train her to do that).  I think my kids sensed that I needed some down time. I slept in every single morning and it was blissful.

After my two weeks of self-indulgence, it was time for swimming lessons and Summer life. This was about when my bestie Brooke officially pulled me out of my "dark place". She got me involved in a project that I could really dive into. That and we had our DTR (define the relationship) and proclaimed each other best friends. There is nothing like a best friend to make the world a better place. I will fully go into the joys of Brooke in my next post.

Lack of Enthusiasm II

Another major factor in my "blues" was money.

We were running out of it every month long before the month was over. Having to resort to using the credit cards to buy gas and groceries for the last week was really starting to weigh on me. I could feel the stress of it crushing my chest and making it hard to breathe. I have been setting a budget each month for the last 3-4 years. I had good intentions and I thought I was doing things right. But, it never failed that every month we would overspend. It's not like I am a big shopper and always wearing new clothes. But the money was going somewhere and I couldn't figure it out. Being poor sucks. "Living within your means" is a lot harder when you have a family of five living on $3,000 a month ($1,800.00 goes to bills so not a lot left for food, gas, clothes, various savings and fun). So after talking with some friends I decided to read Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. I also decided to go to a cash-only way of life.

We started in May. It was really hard. I have learned that we cannot eat on $100.00 a month. It's just not possible. Up until a year ago we were receiving food stamps. We were given $645 a month. I managed to spend it all every time. It's real easy to do when it's free money. Once Ryan got the Army scholarship we began making barely too much to qualify. So, no more money. I was happy and sad. Happy, because that meant we didn't need the help any more and we were moving in the right direction. Sad, because it's free money and it's hard to say goodbye to freebies.

I had to relearn how to grocery shop. I had to start saying no. I needed to have a plan and stick to it. I also needed to increase our food budget to $130 a month. We can live on that pretty good.

I started to make plans for the future. I have worked saving into the budget. That's something I have never really done before. I was of the "we'll deal with it when we get there" mind set. That almost always ended up with using the credit card. But now, we have a plan. We don't use the credit card for anything. We did decide to keep our one credit card because we barely make enough to get by. If a real problem came up and we used our $1,000 emergency fund we would need it. So, now we save. I have been saving every month for school clothes/supplies. I have been saving (and will continue to) for Christmas. I have also been saving for McKenna's baptism party. She is getting baptized during Labor Day weekend, and we are having a huge BBQ afterward. I will be able to pay for the whole thing in cash. I am very excited about that.

I have learned that paying cash for everything has totally changed my spending habits. It's real easy not to pull into McDonalds for lunch when there is no money in the wallet. Impulse shopping is out of the question when you plan for every penny each month. I leave money in my bank account to pay the bills (I do them all online) and to pay for gas (I want to pay at the pump). Everything else is done in cash. I just wish I had started this 10 years ago when Ryan and I got married. We would be so much better off. As it sits, Ryan and I will be completely debt free (all student loans and credit cards) in less than four years. I think that is pretty good considering Ryan has been in school for eight years (ten total by the time he graduates with his PhD).

Money is stressful. It took a couple of months to get into the swing of things. I'm still learning as I go, but this is the best financial decision I have ever made. Everyone needs to do this. It will change your life.

Lack of Enthusiasm

The last few months have been a bit of a struggle for me (until the last 3 weeks, but more on that later). There have been several factors that have contributed to my mini bout of depression. Plus, I'm sure, some that I didn't even realize. I will lay them out over the next few posts.

Everything started to sink down for me in April. It began with a workout goal that I couldn't meet. I have a really cool heart monitor that I wear when I workout. It's a Polar FT60 I was so excited when I got it. I was sure this thing would really ramp up my fitness and keep me motivated. It did just the opposite.

The watch automatically sets the goal for you each week based on your resting heart rate, weight, amount of time you can workout, previous weeks achievements, etc. The tricky part is that the goals are in three different heart rate zones. Zone 1 being a slow walk, Zone 2 a fast walk, and Zone 3 is everything faster. I didn't like this from the start because I like to push myself really hard and the stupid watch wanted me to slow it down, big time. At the end of each week it will give me an evaluation and a reward (1-3 stars or a trophy) based on how well I achieved the goals. By the end of the third week I was so frustrated with getting negative comments, despite working out for 6 hours and burning 2,427 calories, that it made me want to give up. I never reached the goals set in Zone 1 or Zone 2. Plus it kept telling me to stop working so much in Zone 3. The place I really wanted to be.

I didn't stop working out but I definitely lost my fire. I know that sounds like a stupid reason. I knew it was stupid to be effected that way while I was feeling it, but it impacted me none the less. I still use my monitor with each workout, but I have learned not to pay attention to the "goals" or to care what it says. I just like knowing how many calories I burn and where my heart rate is at.

The Summer has only added to my workout blues. My kids made it extremely hard to be gym rat in May because they had a lot of field trips and end of school picnics that I wanted to be a part of. I was so sure that once June hit I would be back in there 3 times a week and my kids would just love going to play all the time. I was totally wrong. The gym location that I like the best and where all my classes are, is not the one my kids like. So every morning it would turn in to a whinny fest. I got really tired of having to fight them so I could go. I am sad to report that in the last two months I have probably been to the gym six times total. On the up side I have lost four pounds. I am sure that some of it was muscle, but some was also fat. I can now officially fit in to my size 4 dream jeans.

It's okay if you want to hate me a little.

A Scare With Evan

I super duper love my boy.  I don't ever need a reminder of that.  Nonetheless, Evan almost drowned today at swimming lessons. There is nothing quite as terrifying as seeing one of your children fighting to stay above water as another kid is pulling him down, and being too far away to help.

McKenna and Evan started swim lessons this week. We are five days into a ten day session. Evan has one other boy in his class and they quickly became friends. Frequently, when one of them is away from the pool wall he will swim over to the other boy, grab onto his shoulders, and then grab the wall. But today, Evan wasn't holding onto the wall well enough, so when the other boy grabbed onto him he went under the water and away from the wall. This pulled both boys away from the wall and they panicked. They began climbing on top of each other in order to stay above water instead of swimming to the wall. During all of this, the swimming instructor was about five feet away instructing another child. She was oblivious, as were the two life guards who should be overlooking the whole pool.

I was up in the observation balcony, where access to the pool deck is indirect. I have to go out the side door, down the stairs, and through the locker room. Thank goodness the head swim coach attached whistles to the banister in case a parent saw a kid in trouble before anyone else. On the first day she gave the parents the line, "I trust you all to see something before the life guard will. That's why I put the whistles out". Comforting, right? Either way, I am so glad she did that. Because that's what saved Evan and the other boy.

I didn't see it happen. I was looking away dealing with Alana when I heard the whistle. The other boy's mother was the one blowing it. I looked for my kids as soon as I heard it and my heart sank when I saw that it was Evan struggling for air. Once the whistle was blown, his instructor rushed over to the boys. I rushed down to the pool, handed Alana to a lady I barely met four days ago, and got my boy out of the pool. I wrapped him in a towel and held him while he cried.

It didn't last long, and the whole thing just scared everyone real good.  But you can bet I will hold my son a bit longer today.

Evan lost his first tooth 3 days ago. He is very excited.

Mold, Sickness, and Explosions

Our life has been a bit crazy lately, so once you read my current post you will forgive my lack of posting in the last month.

We've had a bit of an adventure in the last few weeks. It all started when the air conditioner in the van stopped working. I was crossing my fingers for a quick fix but not holding my breath. After the dealership kept the van for two days the verdict came back that the compressor was shot and we needed to replace it, an easy $1,100 would get the job done. I said "No, can't fix it now" and went to get my van. I drove away with cold air blowing out my vents. Guess we'll see how long it lasts.

Three days later..... I awoke to find a huge puddle in our kitchen. It was discovered when Ryan almost slipped and died while getting Alana some milk. The water was coming out from under the dishwasher. It was draining out the front into the kitchen but also out the back in to the living room carpet. I moped up the mess an alerted the maintenance department. They hurried over turned off the water to the dishwasher and told me someone would be by later to have a look.

I left that morning and took my kids to school followed by errands and my classes at the gym. I returned after noon and found an even bigger puddle coming out both sides. I notified the front office again and proceeded to rearrange my living room so I could get my couch out of the water.

Mario (maintenance man) showed up and quickly figured out that there was a slab leak. Essentially there was a water leak in a pipe under the cement and he would have to jack hammer it up and find it. But, "sorry lady" it will have to wait until Monday he doesn't work on the weekends. In the mean time they shut off the water to our whole unit and gave me the keys to the empty place across from us.

We spent that night and the next day shuffling water and kids back and forth while also trying to dry out the four by five foot section of sopping wet carpet. By Sunday morning we decided to move to the other place until the repairs were done. The mildew from the wet carpet was making me, Alana and Mckenna sick. Plus, I really hated having to walk across to pee in the middle of the night.

So, Sunday after church we moved our whole living room, dining table, washer and dryer (Monday is laundry day) and all the mattresses over. The kids thought it was the funnest thing ever and had a hard time doing to sleep.

Our temporary home

Mario was true to his word and he had the place dug up and fixed by Monday afternoon. The carpet guys, however, really took their time. They set up floor blowers that blew under the carpet sending it whipping up and down billowing mildew into the air and all over my home. Every time Ryan or I had to go over and get something we felt like we were being attacked. We were so worried that they would just "dry it out good" and tack it back down. I was so paranoid in fact that I started looking for another place to live. There was no way I was going to bring my kids back into this place unless I knew it was cleaned up right. I was not going to take the chance of us getting sicker.

Two days of drying and a good cleaning later, it all turned out okay. We moved back in one week after the pipe broke. The kids were really glad to be back home again.

Three days later.....It's Sunday afternoon and we are hurrying out the door to get to church on time. Ryan starts the van as I buckle the kids. We heard a noise and Ryan says "Sounds like the starter might be going out."  Evan says "What's that smell?" "I don't know. Just get your seat belt on." I reply. As I step out of the van I see what Evan was smelling. We have smoke coming out from under the hood of the van. Ryan hurry's and turns it off and pops the hood. We see the radiator blowing anti-freeze strait into the fan. At least it is steam instead of smoke (in hind sight I think opening the hood on a smoking car might be a bad thing. Feeding a fire is never a good idea) but either way the van is down and we pile into the Camry and head off to church.

For the next week (also the last week of school) I play taxi driver as I hustle McKenna and Evan to there different schools and Ryan to his two job locations. Didn't leave much free time.

Ryan has figured out that he can replace the radiator himself for a fraction of the cost of taking it in. If something else is going to break at least it's right up front where it's easy to get to. Ryan still needs to order the part and I figure by the time it gets here and he gets it installed it could be another week or two. In the mean time we took our friends up on the offer of borrowing their truck. Playing taxi driver is no fun.

Seven days later....Alana, Evan and I get a very nasty 24hour flu. I will spare you the details but it was an awful way to end the month of May.

I do not wish to sound whiny or in grateful. We had a month full of adventures. Some frustrations along the way but also lots of smiles. I am abundantly blessed.