Making and Leaving Friends

This is in response to my Sister-in-Law's post.

The question of the post was: If you know you're going to be moving, how much do you emotionally commit to a place and the people you meet there?

My answer is 100%. But that's not easy.

I have mentioned before about how I have moved around many times since the age of seventeen; eight towns and seven states to be exact. In every one of those moves I knew I would be there for a short time, between three months and five years. Every move is hard in its own way. But the people I met made all the difference.

Putting yourself out there in a new town is not easy (even for an outgoing person like myself). Mostly because starting over sucks. Everyone needs a comfort zone, and when you're moved out of yours then things feel awkward.  So here is my quick rundown of friends I made while knowing that one day I would leave them (or they me), and how they changed my life forever.

First move, lived there 6 months: Morenci, ARIZONA

This one is easy. My sister Rose. I have mentioned before how my sister and I were archenemies in our childhood. We hated each other. I can't even really tell you why. Maybe it was competition for love and attention or maybe we just had conflicting personalities. We have always been very different from each other. But that move, I suppose, brought all the right elements together. We were forced to share a room for the first time in 5 years. We were also in the same school together for the time in as many years. We were the only people we knew, which was disappointing to both of us.  But rather than taking our disappointment out on each other, we bonded in a way that has lasted to this day. That move was the best thing that ever happened to Rose and me.





Second move, lived there two years: Craig, COLORADO

We moved right before my senior year of high school. I had zero interest in making friends. I had Rose. Plus, I would be moving again in another year when I went off to college. So what's the point? But as it happens, friends sometimes make themselves; as was the case with Kim and me. We were in the same high school class (1997) and also in the same church ward. I was going to church alone at that time in my life, and her family was awesome enough to sort of adopt me. Her whole family was a rock for me during a transitional point in life. I totally love her and we get together whenever we are both back "home".

Jen and I met while we were both going to community college. She was living with her parents while her husband was deployed to Kuwait. We soon realized that we were meant to be friends. I helped her through a tough time of being without her husband, and she helped me transition from kid to grownup. I learned so much about "real life" from her; things that still stick with me today.

We got our tattoos together and I think of her just about every time I look at it.

Third move, lived there two years: Logan, UTAH

College is temporary. You know that going in. But there is still the expectation of it being "the best years".  Meghan made my last year of college totally awesome. She is the only roommate that I ever actually shared a room with. We hit it off straight from the start. She was younger than me, and far, far away from home (New Jersey). I took on the role of older sister. We even fought like sisters at times. I loved taking care of her and she made me laugh constantly. She gave me purpose at a time when I really missed my family, especially my younger sisters. I nicknamed her Peach and she called me Sass. She is the only friend that I can remember nicknaming.

This photo was taken in 2007. She met me in Hawaii when I planned a "girls trip". We will definitely be doing it again. She's a blast!




Fourth move, lived there two and a half years: Aiea, HAWAII

My beautiful Samoan princess, Iwa, known to all her friends as Bunni. This girl and I hit it off immediately. She was part of Ryan's church singles group and I met her within a week of moving there. Moving to Hawaii is almost like going to a foreign country, and she guided me through that. She taught me what I needed to know so I didn't seem like a complete idiot. But, equally important, she helped me adjust to being a military wife (Ryan was in the Navy). Bunni grew up as an Army brat, and six months after I moved there she married a Marine. She was there for me when I showed up at her door bawling, the day I found out that Ryan would be out to sea for another month (after already being gone for two). She comforted me through my first two miscarriages. Later, I helped her deal with her own. We have seen each other through lost jobs and breakups with other girlfriends. But we have also watched one another have children and receive amazing blessings for our families. Bunni and I have not physically seen each other in eight years but we have never lost touch. I recently received a text from her that says, "You are one of the rainbows in my life after the storm". I feel the same way about her.

Fifth move, lived there for eighteen months: Rock Springs, WYOMING
This move was all about family. I had my new baby (McKenna). I was learning to be a mother and also getting to know my in-laws. I wish I had done better but I was overwhelmed with Ryan starting college, me staying at home, and not really knowing how I fit in with the Grahams. I have fond memories of Sunday dinners and game nights. Those are the first things that come to mind. I was visiting teaching partners with my mother-in-law and I feel tremendously blessed to have been able to have done that with her. I would have liked the opportunity to become even closer friends with my in-laws, but I certainly left knowing them a whole lot better.






Sixth move, lived there for two years: Laramie, WYOMING

These were by far the two most difficult years of my life. I moved to Laramie while eight-months pregnant with Evan. I moved alone, because Ryan was finishing up his Summer job in Rock Springs. I had no desire to make friends, and I was depressed and feeling lonely. After Evan was born it only got worse. I suffered from post-partum depression, and secluded myself. For a whole year I didn't even try to make a friend, and it worked. I was completely dependent on my sister Rose and my mother. I went to see them as often as I could. During that year we also lost my mother-in-law to colon cancer. As you can imagine it only added to the depression and confusion. Our second year in Laramie we moved into an apartment complex that was full of young LDS student families. I became friends with my neighbor Jamie and she made me feel normal. I wish I had not been so depressed to begin with, because she and I could have been so much closer if I had just tried. I honestly don't think I was truly myself the whole time I lived in Laramie. However, I consider her my "Laramie rock" and we are still in touch today. I would be her neighbor again in a second!


Seventh move, lived there for three months: Craig, COLORADO
This hardly counts. I just went back to hanging out with my girl, Kim.

Eighth move, lived here four years and two months...so far: Lubbock, TEXAS

 

When I moved to Lubbock I was in a good place, mentally. I was excited to be living in one place for five years. I was thrilled for my husband to start grad school. I knew we were where the Lord wanted us to be. I was eager to get out there and make some new friends. It turned out to not be that hard. There are a huge number of women in the church (tends to be where I find my friends) who find themselves in the same situation as I do. Being the wife of a grad student often means being a single parent. There was a strong group that really rallied together and we have supported each other through the tough times. Nearly all of those friends' husbands have now finished school and moved on to the "real world". About two-and-a-half years ago I met my Brooke. I give all credit to Brooke's sister-in-law Sarah, for introducing us.  Sarah opened up her family (The Thomases) to us and they all received us with open arms. Brooke was part of that package. We both knew immediately that we had the potential to be amazing friends. She told me flat out that she could not be my friend because I was not a Lubbock lifer. She changed her mind, or rather, couldn't fight it any longer. :) We have had some amazing experiences together. I have supported her the best I can as her son battles cancer. She is supporting me the best she can as Ryan finishes up his last year of school. We couldn't be closer if we were sisters. She is amazing and I love her dearly. Moving from Lubbock will be the hardest move I have ever made.

So, to make a very long and personal story short, give it your all. You will never leave a place wishing you hadn't made friends. I have been around enough, and learned the hard way, to know that investing 100% into the place you are is the very best way to be happy. Women need other women. We may go through phases in our lives when a girlfriend is more or less important to have around, but we all need one sometimes. My husband is my #1 and he knows me better than anyone else in the world.  He also knows I need girlfriends.

Everyone loves an outgoing person. Put yourself out there and make the first move. Introduce yourself to someone you think is compatible. Friendships have a "chemistry", just like romances. You either click or you don't. Once you find someone you click with, run with it. She just might turn out to be the best friend you ever had...even if you move away someday.


Personal note to Shayla: You can still make cakes for your neighbors, have a favorite dentist, and keep track of your kids' heights (get a wall chart). Your family is the "sense of permanence" and  not the house or the town you live in. Raise your (someday) children to know that "home" is wherever you are together. A house is just a house. When I go home to my parents' house I feel completely at home. I'm comfortable and at peace. I know I belong there. I did not grow up with them in that house, but that doesn't matter. My Mom and Dad are there and that is all I need.


Moving is something that takes several times before you get it right. It becomes a fun, exciting adventure and less of a sad, scary unknown.


You're an amazing woman and I know you have many friends in your future. You may even have many moves, but you will always have family. This post may not help you at all, but I had so much fun writing it! Thanks for the inspiration.