One Amazing Night

OK, all you dirty minded people. I may have left the last part of the story with a bit of a cliffhanger but nothing too naughty happened. In fact I hesitate to write this story. I don't feel that my story telling abilities are good enough to really portray the intense emotion that I was feeling on this occasion. I have mentioned before how totally confused I was by Ryan and my feelings for him. How is it possible to be totally attracted to and repulsed by the same person within a matter of minutes? Because that is exactly what happened this night.

We were sixteen and spending the weekend in Utah at my former church youth-group-leader's house. She had recently moved there and had a group of us kids there to help with moving stuff. We worked that day and then had dinner at Olive Garden. That evening we all sat around talking and enjoying the company. When it came time to disperse for bed, Ryan and I ended up in the living room. I specifically remember Sister Moore saying, "You two can sleep out here. It's Sarah and Ryan - I know nothing will ever happen between you." Apparently she never caught on to the underlying tension between us. We gave each other a knowing look, and agreed with her.

For some reason there was a daybed set up in the living room. Somehow I don't think Sister Moore expected us to sleep in that bed together. We did sleep...eventually...late into the morning.

Once we were all alone we spent a lot of time talking. There were confessions of long held feelings. Ryan told me that he loved me and always had. I don't know what I said back. I might have told him I loved him too. Isn't that what you do? I mean, I certainly felt something for him. Why else would I keep coming back? Why else would he be the standard that I measured every other guy to? Why else would my heart skip a beat whenever I saw him? It has to mean something, right? I think I am going crazy.

We kiss. It was sweet and innocent, but we do it a lot. It feels good. It feels right. Is this what I want?

Later on, after the kissing, Ryan spills some water on his shirt.  His bag is in a room with people sleeping in it.  So he takes it off and throws it in the dryer for a few minutes.  Then he's just standing at the back door - looking out from a darkened room.  It's a glass sliding door, and the full moonlight is shining in on his bare chest. He is wearing Dockers and I notice, for the first time, that he has a really nice butt. But mostly I notice his back. It's perfect. Strong shoulders down to a small waist. The moonlight is casting his left half in shadow in a way that his muscles are defined. From that moment on a man's back will be my favorite body part, and they're all compared to his.

I walk over and put my arms around his waist. My cheek rests perfectly between his shoulder blades. I want to stay there forever. I don't want the morning to come. Somehow I just know that it will be different then. It always is.

I can tell you the exact moment when the inevitable "mind switch" was flipped and I couldn't stand him again. It seems so petty and stupid. It's so embarrassing to admit how shallow I was. But, I was.

The way he plopped down in a chair.

He did it in a goofy "I'm a stud" kind of way. That was it. I'm sure he was feeling like a stud. He just had a great night with the girl he loved. I bet he was thinking this was the beginning of something. He was finally going to get his chance. What do I do? I ignore him for the rest of the trip. I don't even ride in the same car back home. I crushed him with no explanation. Not that I had one. What can I say? I didn't like how you sat down in a chair. REALLY? I'm such an idiot.

That was the exact turning point when everything changed for good between us. He went his way (punk) and I went mine (prep). We didn't cross paths again, in a romantic way, until we were eighteen. But even then we still didn't manage to get it right.