This Stage of Our Lives is Complete

It's official - Ryan and I are done having kids.

We did not come to this decision easily, but it wasn't terribly hard either. It was strange the emotions that I felt while trying to figure it all out - confusion, guilt, excitement, relief.

When Ryan and I got married we discussed how many kids we wanted. We easily came to the number four. Not too big and not too small. We wanted two girls and two boys. We even had them named - Mckenna, Evan, Piper and Finn (the naming didn't come until we were actually pregnant with McKenna) As time went on we were blessed with our McKenna and Evan.

McKenna 2.5 years old 2005

I realized a few things about myself after Evan was born. I found that I had limits. Huge change from one child to two. I was overwhelmed and I had a very short temper. I suffered from a bit of postpartum depression and I struggled with body issues from the baby weight. I hated being cooped up in my house and I felt relieved when I discovered that I could send McKenna to half-day Headstart when she turned three. Then I felt guilty for being relieved - but it was also something that she really needed. I knew it would be a while before I would want another baby. I still felt that our family wasn't complete but I was no longer on the "every two years" schedule.

I also learned that I HATE being pregnant. Yes, there is the couple of months in the middle when I feel cute and not sick, but overall it is a miserable process.  Would I do it again if I needed to? Yes, in a heartbeat. The kid at the end is more than worth all the suffering to make it. Notice I said kid.


I don't like babies. Harsh you think, but alas it is true. I loved my kids as babies, don't get me wrong. I took care of them the best I knew how. I loved and cuddled and kissed and joyfully watched them grow. The baby stage is just not my favorite. I remember asking my parents when I was pregnant with McKenna, what stage of childhood was their favorite as parents. My mom answered 0-5. She loved the baby and toddler phase. My Dad answered 8-12. Old enough to do fun things with but still too young to mouth off about it. At this point in my experience I fall in the middle. The perfect age is 4 - still sweet and wants to cuddle me a lot, but independent enough to get their own snacks and wipe their own butt. I guess I like my freedom.

A few months before Evan turned three we decided that it was now or never. We didn't want a huge gap between kids.  If we waited any longer we weren't going to want to start over with the baby stage again. So a year later Alana joined us. Not Piper, but Alana. We don't do trendy names. We had been hearing Piper too much so we went in search of another name.

Evan 6 months 2005

Alana was amazing, beautiful and sweet.  And she slept! The baby thing was totally different with her than it was with the first two. I could easily do this again, or so I thought. Then I came back to reality.  I had my hands full. I was not as overwhelmed as I was after Evan was born, but still really busy. I would have told you we were going to have another baby, right up to the point when it was time to get pregnant again. Then we stopped to have a second look at the situation.

The name Finn has been ruined for us. It became seriously mainstream in the last two years. We no longer wanted to use it, and when that happened the image of another boy in our family started to fade away. It's hard to explain but I couldn't picture having another baby any longer. We even tried other boy names on for size. We liked Jack and Johnathan. But nothing felt the same. Finn was gone. He became the baby that would never be. Sad I know. I would even go as far as to say I mourned for him. But at the same time it felt right. Ryan and I both felt this way.

We discussed all the pros and cons of stopping at three and having one more. There is a lot of them. We talked about it heavily for a few weeks. In the end we were both very sure about the decision to stop at three. We, of course, prayed about it, but never felt any differently.

The pros of having 3 children:
We can afford to give them a good life full of experiences.
We can all fit in a Jeep Wrangler Unlimited (on the shopping list).
I will never have to get fat again.
One more year and I will be done with diapers, FOREVER.
We have only one middle child and he's the only boy.
No more baby stage.
Only one mission and two weddings to pay for.
We can actually afford to help them with college.
If needed we can live in a 3 bedroom home, comfortably.
I can handle all three alone without losing my mind. A good thing since I will be an Army wife.
I will never have to get fat again. Oh, I already said that. :)
I can afford a babysitter without taking advantage of her.
I can volunteer at all my kids' school functions.
I will be able to be a full part of their lives for as long as they will let me. More kids would pull me in too many directions. I can give my all and my best to three. I feel that four would be one over my limit.

Alana 17 months 2010

I love my children so much. I have been blessed three times with healthy, happy babies. My Father in Heaven has trusted me to raise these kids right and I will do everything I can to see that they are taught well and live well. In the end I would rather be able to say I was a really good mother to three kids than a bad mother to four.